I want to have maybe 4 or 5 kids. I have just been recently thinking about this and how I want to plan our family. The thing is, I don't want them to be incredibly far apart, but I also don't want to rush because I want to get to spend some great amount of time with my first born. I have always dreamed in having a girl, even if all I was able to have was one child. I wanted my little daughter, and so blessed that she was able to be my first. She is my little princess, a mother's pride and joy. My mom told me from the start that as a mother, having your girl is very special. But if God gives you all boys that's great too! When I told her I was having a girl she had so much joy. It's great to know that my sister and I were that special to her.

As a child, one of my favorite things to play with was dolls. I swear I musta received every cabbage patch, magic nursery, poo and pee doll that came out every year for Christmas! I couldn't get enough of them! I loved to dress them and pretend feed them, and pretend I was a mommy. I think during those times I always skipped the pregnancy part. I just wished they could have appeared through thin air.

Being pregnant was not the easiest thing for me. I was very emotional and tired all the time. Which didn't help because I already struggle with anxiety and depression. It's funny how I seemed to have known this as a child. I was always uncomfortable, and even when they call the 2nd trimester the best, I think I was one out of very few that disagreed. I felt no different then. The nausea went away, but the tiredness and aches and pains remained. The labor was very long and difficult for me, and felt deep post-pardom depression the first few weeks. I remember saying after she came out, "I'm never doing this again!" haha at the time I was serious, but it seems so funny now. When I saw her face, that changed... I fell in love. This is what makes it so hard for me to decide how to go about these things. I guess I shouldn't be worrying too much about it now, I had just been in thought.

When I visited my friend in the hospital after her baby was born, I sat there holding her baby and Adeline had looked at me with this really upetting look. "Mommy, why are you holding that baby and not me??" That's exactly what it felt like. I wanted to cry after seeing that. My daughter is such a mommy's girl. I don't mind her love and cuddliness all the time, but one of these days she will have to understand that there will most likely be siblings in her life. She's so young now, and by the time she reaches 1, most babies are more carefree and active. They often become "hands off" because they would rather walk or crawl around and explore than be picked up. So needless to say, I'm still not sure when the right time is. God only knows the right time, and I am trusting in that for the time being.